Ask Lisa: Trouble Letting Her Go

The girl that I had been dating ended our relationship saying that she was in panic mode. We had a very good thing going for several months. She said that she realized that she loved me but could not commit because it made her feel uncomfortable. Now she refuses to talk to me or about what happened. I think because of her rough past (parents died untimely death, failed marriage) – she’s jaded against a future with anyone who might care for her. I have since let her go, but now I can’t stop thinking about her. I’m going crazy – Tried everything to stop! I have this strong feeling like this one should not have slipped through my fingers. I don’t know how to handle it?  Now I feel all the coulda, woulda, shoulda feelings and know there may be no closure in sight. Any suggestions on what I should / could do? Do I attempt to get through to her? This has really negatively affected me!

Lisa’s thoughts…

When we have experienced difficult things in our past (parents death, failed marriage, etc…) sometimes it can affect us in the present.  It sounds like your ex girlfriend is in self protection mode.  The problem with that is that she might keep herself from loving – and letting herself be loved!  Then she shut down on you and you did what sounds fairly reasonable and let her go.  But have you?  It’s clear she was pretty important to you.

If this is really bothering you so much – and keeping you from moving on – perhaps you can try to make contact.  You could share your feelings face to face – or in a letter if that feels safer.  Tell her what’s in your mind and heart.  The hard part will be facing the reality that the rest is up to her.  If she keeps the wall up, there’s really not much more you can do.  But, perhaps your display of sincere feelings will bring down a few of the bricks she’s put up.

Whatever happens, know that you gave it your all.  Keep in mind you have your own life to get on with and you deserve to be with someone who is able to meet you halfway.


Need advice?  Consider a Relationship Consultation for guidance.

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is the creator of with emotional and relationship health articles, guides, courses and other tools for individuals and couples. She is a frequent consultant for the media having appeared in,, and others. Lisa has a private practice in Marin County, CA and offers Emotional Health and Relationship Consultations via email, phone or video conference.