Lisa Brookes Kift, MFTInfidelity is one of the most challenging issues a couple can face. The depth of pain experienced by the partner who was cheated on can be excruciating. For those who are not able to move past this transgression, it can represent the death of the relationship. The breach of trust is simply too much for some to bear. However, for those who want to try to get through it, repair the damage and rebuild the emotional safety – there is not only hope but the potential for your relationship to be a better version than you had before.
The fact that you’re willing to dig deep in an attempt to move on is a sign of how much you value each other and the life you’ve created. Keep in mind, cheating can not only be very damaging to the partner who was cheated on but shaming for the one who did the cheating.
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Here are important points to consider if you’re interested in healing from an affair:
- Cease the affair: This may seem obvious but some struggle with letting go of the other person. It’s impossible to heal from infidelity and rebuild a relationship when there’s a third party still involved.
- There is no such thing as too much apologizing: The partner who cheated must be willing to apologize as many times as needed – and as sincerely as possible. They need to continue to take responsibility for wounding their partner and the relationship.
- Allow the wounded partner his/her feelings: There will likely be a wide range of emotions from the hurt partner, sometimes even seeming erratic and unrelenting. Remember that they are dealing with images, thoughts, suspicious thinking, anger, hurt and other swirling thoughts and emotions. Practice compassion.
- Learn how to communicate effectively: It’s highly likely your communication was poor before the affair began. Effective communication between couples helps to build and maintain a strong relationship foundation. It will also help prevent this from happening again, if both feel safe being open about their feelings. Emotional availability must be an aspect to your relationship, even if you need to learn it anew.
- Address the underlying issues leading to the affair: Once proper attention and healing has occurred for the person who was cheated on, the issues leading to the affair must be addressed. This is not excusing the behavior but rather looking at the big picture to help provide insight into the prior disruptions of attachment and emotional safety.
- Realize it takes time: A couple dealing with infidelity needs to understand that this is a process and can take a long time to work through. There is not formula for how long it takes. It takes what it takes. Patience and loving consistent behavior is paramount.
- Get help if needed. The pain and emotional reactivity that comes up for both partners in the wake of an affair can be overwhelming. A local couples therapist can help you navigate through.
Stay the course if it’s worth saving. It’s hard to see how much better your relationship can be after this work but the potential for growth is huge with a lot of payoff.
