Lisa Brookes Kift, MFTFrom the time we are born, relationships are one of the most important things to all of us. Consider how much infants need their parents or primary caregivers. The need to attach to others is there from birth. Our behavior has the power to either bring people closer to us, or push them away. It’s a fundamental aspect of emotional safety.
Consider for a moment the people in your life; your family, friends and intimate partnerships. What is the quality of relationship you have with them? Are there people in your life who are behaving in a way towards you that causes distress, sadness, confusion or anger? Is there any evidence to support the possibility that they take responsibility for this and are willing to make changes for the sake of the relationship? Ask yourself whether this works for you.
On the flip side – do you have a trail of destroyed relationships behind you? Do you put up walls or other blocks to intimacy and human connection? Are you giving out what you want back? Are you authentic with others or presenting a mask of what you’d like them to see – rather than what you are? Ask yourself if the end result of this has brought you joy…or emptiness?
Don’t want therapy but looking for real human expert feedback? Ask Lisa via email.
Behavior That Draws Others In:
- Eye contact
- Curiousity
- Listening
- Kindness
- Reliability
- Physical Touch
Behavior That Pushes Others Away:
- Dismissiveness
- Harshness
- Inconsistency
- Criticism
- Dishonesty
- Arrogance
Many people don’t understand the power of behavior to not only hurt another in the moment but build resentment in the relationship. You have a choice not to accept another’s damaging behavior, or put an end to it. And take responsibility when needed.
There are many reasons why people behave in the way they do including experiences with important earlier relationships (family of origin), defense mechanisms, how one feels about themselves and general lack of self awareness. The important thing is that everyone is responsible for their actions, regardless of “why” they might behave the way they do.
Take an inventory of your life and examine if there’s anything that could benefit from change in the area of your behavior – or accepting other’s behavior. Consider making adjustments if need be. If you determine that you have healthy relationships with yourself and others with no need for change, that’s great! You are fortunate and this is something to have gratitude for.
