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Ask Lisa: I broke up, wanted him back – and now I’ve been replaced!

I loved a man intensely, later in life (I am heading into my 40’s). To be honest, he was my first boyfriend.  We loved each other a lot, but broke up for various reasons. I initiated it, but 2 months later i called him again because I wanted us to try to work things out. He had met someone else and was happy in that relationship.It has now been 6 months and I am having a hard time moving on from him, and from the intense pain I feel from knowing I was so easily replaceable and that he did not really mourn my absence from his world. A part of me still hopes that we can find each other again. How do I heal and move on? Deep down,I know that due to my age I  likely will not find someone again.

Lisa’s thoughts…

Your first love – or boyfriend – is important no matter what your age.  Breakups are painful, especially so if one party changes their mind and finds the other is no longer available.  I can’t help but wonder how you really know that he didn’t grieve the loss of the relationship with you?  Two months is not a short amount of time really.  My point is that you don’t really know what his process was – what you do know is that he has not moved on.  I would challenge you to think more about how you got to being “replaceable” in your mind – when you actually were the one to break up with him.

It is never too late to meet and fall in love with somebody.  You are not even into your 40’s yet – and I can see that you’re taking a position of defeat, as if it’s all over.  My concern for you is if you adopt this belief you can make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Rather than come from a place of deficiency I would look ahead with optimism and gratitude for the love you have experienced.  If you are patient and kind to yourself, anything can happen.  Open yourself up to love again and it will come.

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Need advice?  Consider a Relationship Consultation for guidance.

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is the creator of LoveAndLifeToolbox.com with emotional and relationship health articles, guides, courses and other tools for individuals and couples. She is a frequent consultant for the media having appeared in CNN.com, HuffingtonPost.com, MensHealth.com and others. Lisa has a private practice in Marin County, CA and offers Emotional Health and Relationship Consultations via email, phone or video conference.

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