Lisa Brookes Kift, MFTCouples counseling can be so helpful to get people back on track when they’ve veered off course in their relationships. As much good work can be accomplished in the process, an important question remains:
“How can couples sustain the changes they make in counseling?”
If they haven’t integrated deeper level change or have the the tools to sustain it, what they learned in therapy can become a fleeting memory as they get wrapped up back in their daily lives and old conditioned habits.
According to Steven Stosny, Ph.D, the “most powerful of neurological principles: habituation,” should not be ignored. Through the study of neuroscience we have learned that, “Neurons that fire together wire together,” and what this means for couples who want their changes to stick, new patterns need to be established through repetition.
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In the article by Dr. Stosny, Old Habits Die Hard: Making Couples Therapy Stick, in a prior issue of Psychotherapy Networker, he lists some ways that couples can make their changes last, by encouraging “new patterns that may become stronger than old ones.”
Here are some of the ways Dr. Stosny described to help facilitate this process:
- Daily Rituals:
- Incorporate nonverbal acknowledgements at major transitional times (getting out of bed, leaving for work, coming home or going to bed) that demonstrate your partner’s importance to you; a hug or a kiss.
- Give your partner full-body hugs six times a day, for at least 6 seconds (the frequency and duration increases chance of the release of the bonding hormone, oxytocin).
- Think positive thoughts about your partner at least five times a day. What do you appreciate about them?
- The Fire Extinguisher Effect:
- Find something that can symbolize what was learned in therapy. For example, create a mini booklet with a few pages of skills, insights and tools acquired – with a picture of a fire extinguisher on the cover. If things get difficult, you can refer to your “in case of emergency” reminder handbook.
Couples spend valuable time and hard earned money on the therapy process to help guide them to long term positive shifts over bandaid approaches. The above mentioned action steps are great ways to continue the work of re-training your brain to develop a more loving and connected pattern together.
