Couples Assessment: How Strong is Your Relationship Foundation?

In my couples therapy work, I look at couples through the lens of their relationship foundation – that is, the relationship’s ability to stand strong in the face of the things that life throws out, be it normal daily frustrations or highly stressful external events.

Below is a simple, non-scientific assessment for couples that can be used quickly to get a rough idea of the strength of your relationship, providing a framework in which to conceptualize your relationship in a new way. It is divided into three sections to be done by you and your partner. This checklist will help to identify areas that might benefit from further exploration and you can discuss together afterward.

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Take turns reading the list and jot down your responses on a piece of paper. Read each sentence and either put a checkmark by it if you agree – or put nothing if you don’t. Go with your initial gut reaction.

Relationship Logistics

______ We communicate well.
______ We resolve conflict well.
______ We have discussed and are satisfied with our relationship roles.
______ We have discussed and are satisfied with our sexual expectations.
______ We have discussed and are satisfied with our spiritual beliefs.
______ We have discussed and are satisfied with our finances.
______ We have discussed and are satisfied with our personal, couple and family goals.

Relationship Balance

______ We value each others needs for some independence within the relationship.
______ We spend adequate time together, nurturing our relationship.

Relationship Emotional Safety

______ We feel heard by each other.
______ We feel understood by each other.
______ We feel validated by each other.
______ We feel empathy from each other.
______ We feel respected by each other.
______ We feel loved by each other.

This is a starting point only to help identify strengths and vulnerabilities.  If I could name the most important of all of the above, truly underlying the foundation of your relationship, it would be emotional safety. Don’t underestimate the importance of feeling that type of security with each other. If you’re stuck and would like to dig deeper, consider couples therapy in your area to help you navigate through.