Love And Life Toolbox

Ask Lisa: I’ve Been “Faking It” With My Husband

I’ve gotten myself into an extremely difficult situation, and any advice what so ever will be greatly appreciated.  I am 21 years old and my husband and I have been married for two years now, and sexually active for three.  I have had one other partner, and the two of us were active for one year.  I never had an orgasm during sex until we had been married for about six months.  My husband does not know.  My previous partner never knew.  I guess to make it short, starting with my ex, and being that I was young I knew sex was something you should enjoy and he seemed like he enjoyed it so I should too.  So when I became active with my husband and did not really feel anything, pretending seemed like the logical response.  And now three years later I’m finding myself stuck in a hole.  It always seemed like a problem with me, so I never wanted him to feel like it was his fault, and I do enjoy the other aspects of sex, so the topic has never came up.

I have never had too much of a problem with it until recently.  For close to a year now, I have being having a few orgasms, maybe once a month or so, and several more so in the past two months.  I enjoy this, and now I would like a more ‘normal’ sexual relationship.  More so I’m finding that when I don’t, I’m actually feeling disappointed and maybe cheated.  I’m also finding it harder to ‘fake’ while at the same time the anticipation and urge are making it even more difficult to have an orgasm.  I’ve started to try to expand our sexual relations, focusing more time on foreplay… but he’s not really going for it.  The past three times we had sex I did not orgasm, nor could I bring myself to fake it, and he just rolled over and went to sleep.   I feel incredibly separated from him right now, and I just don’t know what to do.  I want to just tell him, but how do you tell the man you love that you have been lying to him for three years?

Lisa’s thoughts…

You have been very sensitive to your husband’s feelings…perhaps to a fault.  It would be nice to have some awareness that he’s attending to you too or at the least checking in when he’s “done.”  Have you considered being honest?  Tell him that having an orgasm hasn’t been easy for you and you care so much for him you were afraid he’d take it personally.  You are not alone – many women struggle with orgasm, particularly during sexual intercourse itself.

You deserve to have a satisfying sexual relationship with your husband.  Explain that you love him and want the most satisfying relationship you can have – for both of you!  Be clear that you’ve been trying to protect his feelings but in the process have gotten stuck yourself.

The last thing you want is resentment building up between you.  If he gets defensive and personalizes this siutation, this is for him to work on.  The fact that you are able to orgasm at all is a good sign and means that with a little effort, you and your husband could find your groove together.  But it requires communication on your end and attentiveness on his.


Need advice?  Consider a Relationship Consultation for guidance.

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is the creator of with emotional and relationship health articles, guides, courses and other tools for individuals and couples. She is a frequent consultant for the media having appeared in,, and others. Lisa has a private practice in Marin County, CA and offers Emotional Health and Relationship Consultations via email, phone or video conference.