Love And Life Toolbox

3 Tools for Your Marriage Toolbox

Marriage should not be easy.  Holding this belief system can put undue stress on married couples whothen also might be more inclined to give up when times get rough.

The good news is that most people are willing to put effort into something that means a lot to them.  It’s like tending to a beloved garden or whatever pastime you enjoy.  You love it so you likely work at it, right?  Marriage is the same way and thankfully there are many tools that can be acquired to assist with this process and help you stay connected with your spouse.  Let’s talk about a few of them.

Here are 3 marriage tools for your marriage toolbox:

  1. Allow your spouse space if requested.  People are different in their needs for closeness vs alone time.
    It’s important to validate that need if one or both of you has it.  Some just simply tend towards more introversion where they need some private time to recharge – vs the extrovert who recharges around others.   If the space request comes out of an argument, allow this as well.  However, this doesn’t mean that the issue of discussion is forever swept under the rug but simply put on hold while emotional reactivity is managed – a protective factor in the relationship considering the amount of damage that can occur due to unbridled anger (criticism, name-calling, etc).
  2. Tell your partner about something they recently did well in the marriage.  It’s too easy to tell each other what you do wrong – what about what you do right?  Couples often can get in a habit of focusing on the negative and ignoring the positive which can feel like being constantly nagged at.  Reinforce your partner’s good behavior to get more of it.  What did they do and how did it make you feel?
  3. Interrupt the schedule and shake things up.  When things get hectic, particularly with careers, kids, pets, friends and other obligations, a routine often gets established.  While structure can be useful at times, i
    t comes with the risk of a loss of spontaneity.  Plan a surprise, a date or an outdoor adventure while the weather is good.  Cover all the bases with childcare, etc and go have some fun!  Your partner will feel cared for that you took the time to plan this – and know that the marriage is important to you.

There are many more useful tools to continue to fill your marriage toolbox.  Keep filling it up!  You never know when you will need them.  Check out The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples in the meanwhile.

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is the creator of with emotional and relationship health articles, guides, courses and other tools for individuals and couples. She is a frequent consultant for the media having appeared in,, and others. Lisa has a private practice in Marin County, CA and offers Emotional Health and Relationship Consultations via email, phone or video conference.