How to Repair Your Marriage

You are not alone if you feel disconnected from your spouse.  You are also not alone if your marriage is “OK” but has lost some life or settled into a lackluster rhythm. Marriages require work to keep them fresh, alive and connected!  Many mistakingly believe that a long term relationship should be easy and not require work. Think of it as a living, breathing organism that needs sustenance and nurturing, or a garden that needs watering.

The following are some of the issues that come up leading to disconnection and things that can be done about them.

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Poor communication skills.  Many simply don’t know how to talk to each other in a way that alleviates the chances of a build-up of resentment from hurt feelings and frustration.  Additionally, conflict avoiding couples tend to minimize the problems and sweep them under the rug.  But they always have a way of showing back up.  Even couples who aren’t afraid of conflict often do so in such a damaging way it only adds to the resentment pile. (Help for High-Conflict Couples by Jennine Estes is an excellent resource.)

• Repair Tips:  In The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples, I walk couples through the basics of a strong marriage foundation with a strong emphasis on healthy communication skill building.  If your relationship is high- conflict then you may be better suited for a marriage counselor who can help you navigate through.

Resentment.  Typically, the more distance that exists in a marriage, the more likely unprocessed anger, frustration, disappointment and sadness exists for one or both partners.  I’ve heard couples in my practice express concern that too much damage has been done or there is too much “water under the bridge.” Perhaps this is true but it’s also true that you can work through all of this, if you both believe there’s enough there worth salvaging.

• Repair Tips:  If you feel like your communication is good, you may be able to tackle some of the issues leading to the resentment on your own.  Each of you make a list of things you’re carrying hurt or anger around.  Remember, be selective. What won’t be helpful is if you present each other with a laundry list of every incident of distress over the last five years.  Really hone in on the ones that carry the most emotional weight and are a current obstacle in your marriage.  Use “I feel” statements when sharing your issues rather than critical language.  Be sure to validate and provide empathy for each other and apologize where appropriate.  Take responsibility for your behavior and repair where needed.   

Lack of forgiveness.  When an issue has come up in your marriage and there has been unsuccessful repair attempts, you might actually have more of a forgiveness problem on your hands.  There are many reasons why some people struggle with forgiveness more than others but it’s important to know it can not only benefit the relationship but most importantly, yourself.  It takes a lot of energy to hold onto bitter feelings.  Forgiveness can do wonders for your emotional health as well.

• Repair Tips:  Address any underlying issues around forgiveness that one or both of you have. This can stem from family of origin issues and other past hurts. Challenges with forgiveness can lead to internalizing negative emotions over time which is not only problematic for the relationship but literally unhealthy for the person who struggles to forgive. Consider individual therapy.

Change and transition.  People change and so do marriages.  Circumstances, life phases, likes and dislikes can also shift.  A common complaint heard is, “She’s changed!”  or “He didn’t used to be like this before!”  Embracing change in a marriage can be a challenge and it’s also important to distinguish between natural changes and behavioral changes demonstrating less care for the relationship.  The latter can and should be addressed for the marriage to work.  A big challenge for many marriages is having children which inherently would impact intimacy and connection for the couple.  The bigger issue is do they reconnect eventually after children are born. And sometimes, one has a growth mindset and the other less so, which eventually can come up.

• Repair Tips:  The first step in flowing with change is understanding that it’s a part of life.  If you allow each other to “be” rather than resist the change you will be more likely to transition well.  If the changes are around the treatment of each other, that’s another problem that may be more in the areas of healthy communication, resentment or forgiveness.

Decrease in sexual intimacy.  There are many reasons sex can take a hit in a marriage.  Kids, time and exhaustion can all play a role in less time connecting on this level.  Of course there are medical and hormonal issues impacting libido and performance that must be ruled out.

• Repair Tips:  Sometimes, finding each other sexually must begin with small steps. Connect in other intimate ways that have value for each other. If you don’t know, ask what each of you needs to feel closer in that way. It may be as simple as more hugs or feeling more seen and heard, in general. Addressing resentment between you can unblock this as well.

Marriage and long-term relationships can be incredibly rewarding for couples that have established (and maintain) a safe, secure and loving connection to each other, a “port in the storm” of life.  But there are a number of things that can inhibit that bond.  The good news things is that with a little effort, all of those things can be worked through if there’s a desire to do so.

The core focus is to re-establish the emotional safety between you.