Lisa Brookes Kift, MFTI had an experience that tested my patience and challenged me to remain calm in the face of aggressive, critical words. My initial instinct was to fight back, defend and point out the ways in which this person had totally missed the mark. But I didn’t which, to be honest, was very hard. Though difficult, I realized this was an opportunity to practice what I preach around mindfulness and resilience and I managed to keep my cool.
Let me tell you, it was not easy.
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What happens for many of us when our “old brains” get into the mix and we perceive danger, our fight or flight systems can get activated. The stress hormone, cortisol, gets released and thinking clearly becomes even more challenging. Sure, I could have behaved in all sorts of ways that would have felt fitting at the time but would likely have been ultimately unproductive.
Here are 5 ways to stay cool in the face of another’s reactivity:
- Stop. Don’t do anything. Ponder and reflect upon what’s just transpired and if meeting the other at their level will – or will not – serve the situation.
- Breathe. Oxygen is helpful to counteract the stress response. Breathe deeply as you continue on.
- Imagine. Try to go deeper into the space where the other is coming from. Be curious about the intensity coming at you. The irony of unkind, lashing out behavior is it’s often rooted in pain. Hard to see sometimes, isn’t it? If you know the person well, perhaps it will be easier to find empathy but regardless, make an effort.
- Assess. Consider whether your potential response will be helpful – or not. When dealing with someone who lacks self awareness, an action matching theirs will likely not only incite a matching response (or worse) but possibly shame for you later. If it’s someone you care about, even more important to explore the potential damage your nasty response might have.
- Untangle yourself. Be as polite as possible then “walk away.” If you know and care about the person and they are in front of you, call a time-out to allow a cool down period for both of you. This will increase the chances of repairing the relationship breach later. Keep in mind they are the one who have lost control of their emotional reactivity and lean into compassion.
At the end of the day, most of us seek emotional and relationship health and happiness. It’s a good rule of thumb to keep responsibility for your behavior where it is – with you. Sometimes no matter how calm you are, others are not. Remember this is ultimately their issue and they likely suffer in their life as a result. The process of pausing, reflecting and choosing a different path can also be a benefit to stress management in general. The space between the stimulus (someone’s behavior or any stressful event) and the response (your reaction) is critical, an opportunity to practice resilience. The longer you make that space, the more opportunity you have to use use your wise inner dialogue to do something different.
