Ask Lisa: Girlfriend added an attractive guy as a friend on Facebook

My girlfriend and I recently got back together and we have been working very hard at the  relationship, but I have a concern and do not know how to approach it with her. I was adding her as a friend on Facebook and noticed she added a very attractive guy as a friend with similar look to me and I have concerns. how do I approach this with her without causing her to get defensive??

Lisa’s thoughts…

I’d be curious to know what your concerns are about seeing this other attractive guy as her friend?  You said you two are “working very hard” at your relationship – which leads me to believe you both want it.  What came up for you when you saw the other guy?

I wonder if asking her about him at all is the right approach.  Think about the message you might be sending to her.  Would it be one of confidence or one of insecurity?  If it’s really bothering you more than you can tolerate, ask her straight out, “Hey, who’s that guy on your Facebook page?”  That’s it?  Say it very matter of factly.  Then she’ll have an opportunity to respond and it may be as innocent as, “that’s my sister’s boyfriend…” or whatever.

Notice the stories you might be making up in your head about who he is.  Sometimes we can made assumptions that lead us to feeling badly – leading us to react negatively and to suffering, often unnecessarily.

Remember – you said it:  You are “working very hard” at your relationship.  Trust the process and try not to inject insecurity into the mix – which could push her away.  If her words and actions begin get out of alignment, then you might have something to worry about.


Need advice?  Consider a Relationship Consultation for guidance.

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is the creator of with emotional and relationship health articles, guides, courses and other tools for individuals and couples. She is a frequent consultant for the media having appeared in,, and others. Lisa has a private practice in Marin County, CA and offers Emotional Health and Relationship Consultations via email, phone or video conference.