Transcript

Lisa Brookes Kift:

Hey everyone, it is Therapy 365, and this is episode seven. And today I’m gonna talk about: is it time for
you to go to therapy? And this discussion is actually based on an article I did from my site,
LoveAndLifeToolbox. It was called, um, 10 Reasons You Need Therapy Now. So I indicated, again, 10
reasons why a person might benefit from seeking therapy. And a lot of these are things that I think a lot
of people don’t think of, and some are maybe more common sense.

So I thought it was good information and I wanted to share that in this podcast. So let’s- I’m gonna take
a look at some of this list and share some of these with you. And, and if you want, you can go on my site
and see the rest of the article. I’m not gonna give you all of them, but I’m gonna give you the most
important that stand out for me.

1. Low Self Esteem [1:10]

Alright. Number one, your self-esteem is in the toilet. So, you know, I think if you’re feeling poorly about
yourself and you are seeing that come up in a lot of ways, your relationships, in fears of performance, or
perfectionism or just kind of comparing yourself to other people. I have a number of clients and people
that I know that get into this social media comparison thing and literally have to sometimes just check
out their accounts to stop getting triggered and activated that their life isn’t as beautiful and fabulous as
so and so’s life. But therapy can really help people with self-esteem issues in that it’ll help you really get
to the core of what your belief systems are about who you are as a person.

And there’s a lot of reasons why people develop their core beliefs. It comes from a long time ago in your
family of origin- one of my favorite topics- family of origin work. And then people can end up
developing, well end up being faulty belief systems about their value and make them, you know, quite
vulnerable to feeling poorly about themselves. So that is a great reason to look at getting into therapy. I
mean, you can always talk to friends, friends can be helpful, but I think at the end of the day, talking to
someone who’s trained in really doing this kind of exploratory work and putting the pieces together
could be really helpful to address that. So that’s number one. I think I’m gonna, I’m totally free styling
today. I’m gonna give you six. I’m looking at my list right now.

Okay, I like this one.

2. Emotional Unavailability [3:05]

You are emotionally unavailable, so that’ll be number two. You are emotionally unavailable. Gosh, this is
a good topic as well because emotional unavailability, again, has its roots in your history. You know, you
learned at some point it was not safe to be vulnerable. I mean, it was protective. It was dangerous to be
vulnerable for some reasons, for some reason. And there’s so many situations that can lead to that, that
belief, right? So you learn that it’s not safe to be vulnerable. So then you’re not vulnerable and then
people may experience you as being cold or aloof or hard to connect to, or you hear from people, or
maybe relationships, some like repeat patterns come up around that. So being emotionally available
really is so rewarding, not only for you as a person, but it makes you more able to connect with others,
which is really rewarding.

That was number two. Um, okay, I gotta do this one.

3. A Pattern Of Bad Relationships [4:20]

Three, [laughs] you keep getting into bad relationships. So [sighs] people tend to repeat patterns, and
they can be problematic patterns. And again, a lot of that, again, again, I say this over and over, is based
on what you’ve learned and what you’ve seen before. Or maybe back to self-esteem, what you believe
you deserve or don’t deserve. If you’ve had a lot of relationships that have been toxic or deeply painful
or unsatisfying or abusive, or maybe they’re emotionally unavailable and you keep over and over and
over getting in these patterns, then you may wanna look at that because there’s a reason you’re leaning
toward unhealthy situations. And that can be changed if you learn to look at yourself differently. I have a
guide that I wrote on this topic actually called Break Your Unhealthy Relationship Patterns. That’s on my
website, love and Life Toolbox. It can help you really get to the core of what faulty belief systems you
might be carrying, that might be leading you to keep repeating, you know, these, these bad
relationships.

4. Issues With Emotion/Anger Management [5:45]

Okay, lets see. You struggle with, you struggle to manage your anger, and actually, I’m gonna make that
you struggle to manage your emotions in general. Gosh, this is also, again, looking back, there are
reasons why people get in these habits. Maybe have explosive anger, high levels of reactivity, feeling like
they get overwhelmed by their emotions or easily triggered. If you really, if you get with a therapist, you
can actually really identify what your vulnerable triggers are and learn- you can actually uncover what it
is that you’re afraid that is actually gonna happen, right?

So it’s, I mean, like for example, anger can actually, could potentially be a way to keep people away from
you, right? It could be some kind of coping mechanism, but then other excessive emotions like just being
that overwhelmed, that anxious kind of freaking out person is totally dysregulated. So if you look back at
the history, again, this is why therapy can be so helpful because again, friends can be helpful, family can
be helpful, but therapists, especially those who work a lot with history, can really help you to
understand who you are, where you came from, you know, what your story means about you and how
you’re stuck now and help you get unstuck.

5. Possessiveness And Jealousy [7:21]

Let’s do this one. Five: You are possessive and jealous. So I would pose the question, where did you
learn that people you care about might leave you or that weren’t gonna be reliable or, you know, what
is that vulnerability for you in relationships that lead you maybe to behave in ways that may ultimately
push your partner away? Right? I’ve seen actually a lot of couples in my practice where that’s going on,
where the one partner is exasperated because they say, no matter what I do, I cannot, I can’t make her
or him believe that I’m here and that I love them. And they keep questioning or they keep, you know,
panicking over a lot of things and that that actually ultimately becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That
that’s the problem. Because that kind of behavior does eventually push somebody away because they’re
exasperated and they’re sad because they feel like no matter what they do that it’s not gonna stop.

So that’s really rooted in deep insecurity and there’s probably good reasons for that, that it’s really
helpful to understand. And a therapist can help you do that.

6. Overwhelming Worry [8:37]

Number six: your worry overtakes you. So again, this is sort of in the same vein of, the react, the kind of
managing your emotions, but, you know, worry again, you know, again, I ask the question, where did
you learn that like the worst possible thing is gonna happen? Or that things go wrong, right? The whole
half glass empty half glass full, uh, is actually kind of a good way to look at how people see things that
the half-full being sort of like the person that is going through life with this idea that things generally
work out, like kind of a sense of ease. Like, “oh, it’ll all work out” and just kind of have that sense of
calm.

And then on the other side, you get a lot of people that are a little more sort of like unsure and waiting
for the other shoe to drop, or assuming the worst or you know, telling the future in a way that is a bad
outcome. And then worry, you know, spin on worry, spin on worry. It could be exhausting. That’s the
thing. So really understanding where that comes from and maybe correcting any faulty belief systems
around that with a therapist. And also learning ways to self-soothe, calm your nervous system. And
these, again, are all things that therapists can help with. So there are obviously a lot, a lot more reasons
why therapy could be helpful for you. I just wanted to, I felt like that article is a good one. And there
there’s some other ones on that, other things that might lead somebody to therapy.

And there’s obviously a million more, but I just wanted to kind of call down and give you some food for
thought that therapy can really be really helpful. Again, it’s, especially if you find for me, I mean I work
such a historical perspective and I’m gonna spend time with someone understanding really who they
are, looking at the past and looking at the present, kind of sliding back and forth when I do my work, and
then providing them tools to implement change in their life. A different, hopefully providing a new way
to see themselves as they implement the tools. Because you have to be willing to do something
different. I mean, if you’re in therapy, you know, I often make a joke that, you know, wouldn’t it be great
if I had a magic wand under my chair? I could pull it out and wave it and it all would be done.

Kind of what I’m saying is it’s so much more than what happens in the office with me or now on video, a
lot of the time. But people have to leave knowing that they need to try to do something different. It’s
not about the therapist, it’s not the therapist’s job to fix you, but to help guide you and provide you a
pathway and maybe some aha moments for you to reflect upon and go, oh yeah, then be inspired to
change and then be inspired to do things differently. Cuz that can be hard and scary cuz sometimes
when you show up in the world differently, the world reacts in a way that maybe is hard, or different
than you expected. Or if you try to show up differently in a relationship, there’s pushback. Or I mean, it
could be like someone who’s learning to set boundaries for themselves cuz they’re not particularly
assertive in life.

They go out and they start setting boundaries. And then the person or people that have been used to
them having no boundaries, you are like, wait a minute and maybe pushes back. But actually, it’s totally
within your right to be that way. But people being people adapt around those kind of behaviors and
maybe in some way benefit from those kind of behaviors. So yeah, therapy’s amazing. I mean, I love
what I do and I love helping people and I know that, I wish more people would really see that, that
there’s deep change that can really come. It’s not a Band-Aid. I don’t look at it as a Band-Aid, like slap it
on and walk out. Like there’s deep change going on that can be life changing for people and it’s
extremely rewarding for me. So hopefully you have some ideas or maybe some food for thought around
how, um, therapy might be helpful for you or even for someone you know.

And there’s a lot of ways to find a therapist, you know, good resources. The Psychology Today directory.
If you’re in the US you can just actually type in and, I think Psychology Today, therapist directory and
you’ll find it, you can put your zip code in and then you can look at a whole bunch of therapists. And I’m,
I’m in California. I can work with anyone in California and specifically in Northern California and we’re
Marin County. But, regardless, I think it’s good to do that work if you feel like there might be something
for you to do. So I hope you enjoyed this. This is a little bit of a change of how I do this podcast and I am
in contemplation of my next podcast. I don’t know what topic I’m gonna do yet, but I hope you enjoyed
what you heard and as usual, you’re always a work in progress with Therapy 365.

Take care of you guys.